Three Three And Under

So, how is life for me, since adding a third baby? (apart from apparently requiring near constant pointing out of how full my hands are - but don't worry, all the strangers I meet/pass/try desperately to ignore are shouldering that burden with remarkable diligence, demonstrating that humanity does indeed pull together in the face of adversity - or when it encounters a woman who seems to have accidentally found herself with more than the allowed 2.1 children - which is basically adversity under another name).

Guys, that's like THREE WHOLE children she's got! Somebody point it out to her!

I'm so glad you (I) asked this remarkably pointed question, as I have some thoughts.

So, it's hard. But it's also fine. And I figured I should share what makes it basically fine for us.

Obligatory caveat: I am aware I have only three children, not fourteen (heck, I was the first surprised to discover I already qualified for the delightful "you've got your hands full", "do you know what causes this", "you've been busy" comments), I also don't have any twins, no special needs children, or a deployed husband - I do have a junior doctor husband who works crazy hours, but you know, he's not in a war zone or anything. So yes, I don't have the Knowledge, but that's not going to stop me, because you never know, there might be something useful for others in here, and I am going to trust that, if you think I'm some sort of only-three-kids upstart with nothing of value to share, you will make use of your own God-given eyelids or go all techy and click away.

So, here is the state of the union if you are willing to hang on: We have three children (3.5, 2 and 8 months), so far we are not sending any of them to nursery and are planning to homeschool. I don't drive - I mostly walk everywhere with a dash of public transport. We have no family around to help and my friends mostly have their hands full as well. Simon works plenty of nights, evenings and weekends so we've had to be creative so that I wouldn't feel like everything was on me all the time.

Roughly, the things that help us are : 

1. Meal planning and home deliveries
2. Scheduling and routine
3. Pow-Wows
4. Getting up early
5. Hard stops
6. Going out

1. Meal Planning and Home Delivery

I put this one first, because I am pretty sure my life would collapse on itself if I didn't have them. As I mentioned, I don't drive (we didn't have a car at all until two days ago), but I have three small children and we all need to eat. So I've opted out of going through the hell of dragging three babies through the supermarket either a million times a week or for a million items once a week (and the additional hell of dragging all the stuff back, carefully balanced around the grumpy children in the double-buggy - or douggy, as we like to call it). Once a week (generally Saturday), I sacrifice an hour to gather my cook books, look at the week ahead and assign meals to each day (considering how much time I will have to cook, whether we will be out, whether it is a feast day etc), I write the ingredients and immediately go on the website of my favourite supermarket, type them in, and a kind gentleman (and occasional lady) brings them into my kitchen at the time I have chosen. Yes, it is work, no, it isn't particularly fun, but it is incredibly worth it.

Let's say they're thinking about meal planning here, to pretend it's a relevant photo

To simplify the task, I make liberal use of near-weekly-recurring meals (quick-to-make, healthy, crowd-pleasers) and we mostly have soups in the evenings (we also don't eat meat unless it's a feast day, for various reasons, but that's a separate issue - unless you consider how much easier it is to make a meal into a feast that way!)

2. Scheduling and Routine

This one is probably the biggest one, but it is a rather difficult one to break down in one nifty paragraph. As much as possible, we try to not have to think about things which can be streamlined. Food is planned in advance, as is the time it will take me to make it. I have tick lists for the things I want to get to during the day, and a rough idea of when they are likely to happen; one for me (pray, exercise, work on new skills and reading) and one for homeschooling Jude (I find the simple "let's do something educational" way too overwhelming, I prefer to have a plan and go through the items on my tick list - plus Jude knows what he is to do, and he loves that - Gabriel is in fact clamouring for his own tick list).

Clamouring for tick lists

But there is a broader attitude thing as well: it starts with sleep-training the babies so they are quickly on a semi-reliable schedule (yep, this is still working so far - Gabriel took the longest to sleep through the night at a seemingly-never-ending 2 and a half months) and I can enforce a pretty strict nap-time/quiet time/leave-Maman-alone-so-she-remains-pleasant time when I can get to my own things. 

Ignoring my pointing out it's naptime

There is also a more general aim of trying to somewhat preempt future problems by putting in the effort now. One example is that Jude has two "homeschool" half-hours each day - yes, I am aware I don't technically *have* to teach my three-year-old anything, but the idea is that if he is in the habit of twice daily, sitting down to do formal schooling, it won't be as difficult for him (or me!) when we do have to legally start instructing him. Same goes with brushing teeth or doing chores (socks on hands to do dusting! they actually love it! Cleaning their own messes! Tidying away after play!) Yes, it is incredibly inefficient and time-consuming with a three and a two-year-old, but we will have to teach it to them at some point, and habit formation is basically what the early years are about according to Charlotte Mason, and she's great, so there's that.
It's not just a "training them whilst they are young and impressionable" thing though, it's also a good way for me to start figuring out what works and what doesn't and how *I* handle these things. If I can't make homeschooling work around younger siblings when the stakes are very low (as in, non-existent) then I probably shouldn't attempt it!

See? All the spontaneity!

It might sound like we have killed spontaneity and our life is no fun, but actually I find that life with very young children is by nature so unpredictable that having these frameworks to fall back on means I am a lot less frazzled, a lot more ready to see the funny side of things, and also paradoxically find it easier to let things go every once in a while. A house which is tidied and cleaned each day will still be presentable and pleasant to be in, even if I skip it because what we actually need is an AAW (see number 6).
Also, children love routines, and that's another fact.

3. Pow-Wows

We've been doing this for over a year now, and it is really helping our family life, our organisation and even our marriage. Basically, every Sunday evening (or the closest evening to that if Simon is working), Simon and I plan our week together, check upcoming events and to-dos, share tasks and review the past few days. We actually have a working list of things to check on (because spontaneity is not a strong suit of ours), ranging from faith, stress levels, behaviour issues with the children to trying to find the elusive moment when maybe, just maybe, the stars will align and we'll have babysitting and go on a date together (no dice so far).
I don't know about the general population, but I generally tackle a hard week much better when I get a chance to prepare for it, and the Pow-wows are wonderful for that. Plus it helps us feel like a team, instead of two occasionally overlapping schedules.

They're having a Pow-Wow of their own. Relevant pictures is a charism of mine.

4. Getting up Early

This one was difficult for me, as I am naturally a night owl (not for Simon, he does this crazy thing where when his alarm goes, he gets up, puts his clothes on and starts his day - it's like watching magic happen). But I had to get on board as I was too tired in the evenings for anything much anyway, and if I wanted to use my brain a bit, 5.30 am was the time. For our family, it is also a time when Simon is much more reliably present than in the evening (because overtime, late shifts, that inevitable catastrophe which happens at the last minute of a shift) so even if the boys (Mathilde never does, she's ace like that) decide to wake up super early too, Simon generally takes care of them first, so I get a chance to read, pray and generally gear myself up for the day. Plus the peace and quiet at the beginning of the day feels fresh and delicious. It also does wonder for my attitude if *I* wake up, as opposed to waiting for the children to wake me up. It is much easier for me to greet them with warmth if they are joining me in the land of the awake, rather than tearing me away from my pillow.

Similarly, we also schedule in weekly "Mornings In Peace" (they used to be on Saturday mornings when Simon was a student, but now they are whenever we can fit them) when Simon takes care of the children on his own while I go off (or lock myself in a room) and do non-child or house related stuff for a few hours. Or you know, read a book without being interrupted by I-know-it's-quiet-time-but-you-really-need-to-come-and-see-my-amazing-duplo-robot. 

5. Hard Stops

What I found is that I am very task-driven, so I had a tendency to favour clearly-defined tasks (clear the kitchen, hoover, do the dishes) over open-ended ones (hang out with the children, relax), this way I could feel like I had accomplished something. But I was spending a lot of time saying "just wait until..." to the children. I was also spending too much of my hard-won naptime tidying instead of reading a book or writing. And yet I wasn't willing to just let go and live in a dirty, messy house - that just bugs me, and I am no fun to be around when that is the case. So that's where the hard stops come in. 

It's a very simple idea: basically I just give myself until a certain time, and then, no matter how much I have accomplished, I have to stop.
I know some people who give themselves an amount of time ("I can spend 10 minutes on this room, then I have to stop"), but I prefer to give myself a time (at 7.30 am, I stop chores). This way if we have a rough start, it's the chores that get squeezed out rather than going outside and reading together. 
I have three hard stops a day, and whatever doesn't get done gets pushed to the next available time. Whatever isn't finished at 7.30pm will have to wait until the morning (although most of the time, we are done by then.) The ironing sometimes gets to be done afterwards, but that's because I actually quite enjoy ironing whilst listening to a podcast or audiobook.

6. Going Out(side)

I am adding the "side", because Simon and I are actually appalling at going out. It's been an item on the Pow-wow since December, and how many dates do you think we have been on since? That's right. Not a single one.

Anyway. Children need to go outside. That's just a fact. They need to run about and be out and dirty and free to break stuff (because twigs and mud and rocks can take it - God is such a good baby-proofer). Jude is a particularly energetic little boy as well, literally bouncing off walls if he doesn't spend it (he often goes by "Tigger" weirdly enough - the ginger-ness made it irresistible).

Our previous house was amazingly well situated for a non-driver, public transport was amazing, but we had no garden. I tell a lie. We had the garden the size of a balcony (that's no exaggeration). It was fine for a while, I just went to the playground nearly every day, but as Jude started needing more and more time to spend his boundless energy, I hit my limit (basically, I can go to the playground once a day. That's my limit.) So we decided that I would just have to walk more/ find it a little harder to go to activities, and Simon would lengthen his commute somewhat, but we now have a garden of a decent size (with crazy features like you-can-take-more-than-three-steps-without-hitting-a-wall) and a nature reserve basically in our back garden. Now the boys are out everyday (yes, in the pouring rain too, no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing, as they say). 

Looking for worms in the pouring rain.

And when Tigger shows signs of taking over our sweet Jude (at least twice daily), we just make him put on wellies and send him to run five laps of the garden. He sometimes grumbles, but generally by the time he's half-way through the first one, he's enjoying himself and his brother joins him.

I've also started "Attitude Adjustment Walks". When nothing goes right, and someone (usually me) is irretrievably grumpy - or just to fill the longest afternoon hour (4pm to 5.30pm), we get coats and wellies on and nip to the nature reserve, and everything is better. Plus I'm winning Charlotte Mason credentials, which is a nice bonus.

And those are the main things. It works well, and I feel like we are doing pretty well because of all of this. It is not easy, but just because it is hard doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.

Books Read in 2017 - Part 2

Continuing on my list of books I finished in 2017 (here is the first part).

Random Christmas morning photo

15. From the Holy Mountain - William Dalrymple

A road-trip retracing the steps of a monk from the eleventh century through the Middle-East. A very sobering read although written in a light-hearted enough manner. Realising the huge Christian and Greek presence there used to be in the Middle-East right up until the mid-twentieth century is very challenging to West-centric narratives. The account of the treatment of Armenians, although merely evoked, is chilling and Turkey and Israel's memory-erasing policies so painful to read as a historian.The book does make you want to go and visit these places, the Holy Land in particular, but the terrifying foreshadowing in his description of the ill-at-ease security of Syrian Christians was hard to read post-ISIS. 
A great (if heart-breaking) read to realise one's own partial understanding of history.

16. 33 Days To Merciful Love - Fr Michael Gaitley

This was a great Lenten read, but I feel like I should get back to it again. Not sure I got as much out of it as I could have (but really, I'll just read whatever Fr Mike Schmitz tells me to).

17. The Shed That Fed a Million Children - Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow

I actually read this in a book I borrowed from Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow's nephew, who is a good friend (hi Thomas!), so although the story was fascinating, I kept getting distracted by recognising people's names and places I have heard a lot about. Some literary mannerisms but a very hopeful book that made me want to get involved with Mary's Meals straight away.

18. The Collapse of Parenting - Leonard Sax

Possibly the most influencing book I have read all year. I actually listened to it all over again with Simon as soon as I finished it. It is very affirming of what we are attempting to do in our parenting gig (I refuse to pretend I have a parenting philosophy) - but also challenging and a bit of the kick up the backside to actually be the kind of parents we always said we wanted to be. Another one I want to listen to again.

19. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman

A huge disappointment after all the hype. Ove was very hard to bear with his constant whining at the beginning, but only got worse as the plot kept on being predictable (or just uninteresting). Pandering to the current cant, with the classic tokenisms (look! we have a gay! look! we have a foreigner!) and "modern-tribes-are-so-much-better-and-diverse-and-happy-and-inclusive-than-families". Dull. Predictable and dull.

20. Dark Matter -Blake Crouch

Good, solid, fun science-fiction. I was worried it would be predictable but was only so at the beginning. Not the hyperbolic achievement the cover claims it is, but solid, and great to listen to with Simon (our tastes in fiction don't typically overlap).

21. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying - Mari Kondo

Finally got my hands on this, two years after everyone else. Not particularly well written but a lot of good ideas to take away (storing things together, not keeping anything in the bathroom - especially true in our "I'm actually the outside" terribly insulated bathroom - sorting by type not by room etc) but, tempting as she makes her lifestyle sound she is clearly not writing with big families or hospitality in mind. And also, the obvious: tidying doesn't actually change your life.

22. The Great Divorce - C.S Lewis

A little Lewis never hurts. A lot of Lewis never hurts. All the Lewis never hurts. As usual, his ability to give a glimpse into unintelligible matters, whilst showing you that they are, in fact, impossible to describe, is amazing. The solidity of heaven vs the ghost-like quality of hell was particularly striking. 

23. The Silk Roads - Peter Frankopan

That was a beast of a book to go through. I learned plenty of interesting things about a region of the world I don't know enough about, and taking the long view has some very illuminating effects. However the author mostly merely mentions all the things I wanted to know more about, and for an author who claims he wants to correct an overly west-centric history, he writes an awful lot about the west. The ex-soviet republics of the actual silk roads are entirely jettisoned around the 14th century, only to picked up again in the conclusion - it reminded me of bad essays from my students, when they don't have information about all the points they want to make, so they spend the essay talking about things they do know, and pretend in the conclusion like they talked about everything  (or in Frankopan's case, keep referring the reader back to that one sentence about the Sogdians as if it was a whole chapter of facts and explanations). So, interesting facts, but not a tight enough argument.

24. Not of This World - Sterling Jaquith

I was hoping for a book to address the gaps in Mari Kondo's method (big families and entertaining in particular) but turns out I'm more of a minimalist than the author. Abandoned.

25. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafan

The story started out really engrossing but I got halfway through and just lost interest. I was dreading the scenes of torture it seemed to be foreshadowing and simply did not care about Julián Carax, so watching the protagonist get so enthralled by him was perplexing and ultimately off putting. And I am a grown up now, I don't have to finish books that put me off.

26. Happier at Home - Gretchen Rubin

A fun read, I like Rubin's voice and anecdotes (but not her use of the word "healthful" - there is already a perfectly good word in the English language to describe this concept, Rubin!). However, it made me wish I had read the original happiness project book, to see what led her to the idea, and also because I couldn't help but feel like I was being used (book 1 was successful? here is the same one, but blue!)

27. Better Than Before - Gretchen Rubin

A much more useful book! The first chapter made me worry there would be nothing new (the opposing pairs were just not that groundbreaking)and the four tendencies were interesting (if again not as groundbreaking as she makes out) but everything else was overall great encouragement to pick up new habits and lots of common sense and practical tips.

28. Le Liseur du 6h27 - Jean-Paul Didierlaurent

In an attempt to read in French again (which I hadn't done for years) I picked a few novels back in October. This was not a great pick. It read well, but the writing was a long list of clichés, whilst the plot was trying too hard to be original ("look at me! I've got a dame pipi as a protagonsit!"). Very meh.

29. The Lost Tools of Learning - Dorothy L Sayers

Cheating again, as this is an essay, not a book, but I loved it so, I want to include it! So much wisdom, so many one-liners. We are very interested in the classical method of education for homeschooling the kids, so this was fascinating, but also, the former secondary school teacher in me couldn't help but burst out laughing at her description of the "pert" age:

"It will, doubtless, be objected that to encourage young persons at the Pert age to browbeat, correct, and argue with their elders will render them perfectly intolerable. My answer is that children of that age are intolerable anyhow; and that their natural argumentativeness may just as well be canalized to good purpose as allowed to run away into the sands. It may, indeed, be rather less obtrusive at home if it is disciplined in school; and anyhow, elders who have abandoned the wholesome principle that children should be seen and not heard have no one to blame but themselves"

And that's a wrap! A lot more non-fiction than in previous years, and no crime (come to think of it, that probably explains the low numbers as well as I normally tear through those - I haven't found a new series I like yet, not since I broke up with Louise Penny). Hopefully I can do better this year, and maybe actually finish some of the books I am still reading:

1.The Way - Josemaria Escriva
2.Catholicism For Dummies
3. Unbound - Neal Lozano

Although, I have excuses for these three, I am actually going slowly on purpose as I use one as a devotional and try to reflect as I go along with the other two.

4.The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark

Which, if I am honest, I am probably not going to finish... I did like it, I just got distracted by a squirrel and now I don't have the book anymore, so... 

5. A Charlotte Mason Study Guide - Penny Gardner 
6.The Religious Potential of the Child - Sofia Cavalletti

Those are to inform my teaching - so I need to make myself read them... which I am not really doing.

7. Le Quatrieme Mur - Sorj Chalandon

This one is actually great, a much better attempt at reading in French again - but I can tell it's going to be tough reading, so, surprise, surprise, I'm procrastinating.

8. Danubia - Simon Winder

Actively reading this one and loving it. Should be done soon.

9.Gargantua - Rabelais

Current reading-the-classics read. Mostly hating it. I just don't find crass humour funny. Not in a shocked-prudish way, just in a that's-not-actually-funny way. So mostly wasted on me. Dear dear. Not doing well with the French literature!

Cute picture of Mathilde to reward you for making it to the bottom

Books read in 2017 - Part 1

This is the first year I've actually tracked my reading (just title, author, date started and finished and a few lines of my impressions in a pretty notebook).

 

Pretty notebook+galette des rois = the best combo 

It has been good fun, but also showed that I am a compulsive book starter, and a somewhat lacklustre book-finisher (I have eleven still going at this exact moment.) It is also the first year I allowed myself to give up on a book. I mean, I *have* not finished books before, but there were always somewhat naggingly taunting me from my shelves. This is the year I said: No more! I shall not be bullied by books that don't engross me anymore! And I officially allowed myself to admit I was not going to finish those books.

The things grown-ups get to do, hey!

Overall, it hasn't been a great year for reading. Hard pregnancy, new baby, three children three and under, the ludicrous hours junior doctors are made to work, all this didn't help, but mostly I think giving up on my Audible subscription for several months is what really slowed me down. It reduced my reading time to just before bed (grabbing my book at naptime instead of collapsing in a heap and scrolling on my phone after chores requires more self-discipline than I have).
I'm happy to report Audible is back, so knitting should also pick up pace again, all the hurrays!

Nonetheless, here is what I managed to finish in 2017 (I'll add a list of ongoing books in the second post) :

1. Middlemarch - George Eliot - re-read

Ok, this is just cheating. This is my favourite book ever, so it's kind of permanently on the go (I have this audiobook - really well read, and this pretty edition. Both are sheer joy for the soul.)

2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

Another re-read, but it was my first time reading it in English - I hadn't picked it up since my teenage years (pre-enough English fluency to read hundreds of pages in the language). It was fantastic, unsurprisingly.

3. The Pilgrim's Progress - John Bunyan

Part of the Reading the Classics project. Did NOT enjoy it, fun as it was to pick up where many literary references came from. Here are my thoughts.

4. The Quiet American - Graham Greene

As always, Greene is an amazing storyteller. It was actually fascinating to read it in parallel with The Pilgrim's Progress, considering Greene's understanding of human flaws and sinfulness.
This is an amazing portrait of dangerous innocence. Watch out for the scene in the bell tower and then the last sentence of the book - showing how confession and the mercy it represents is only trifled with by people who have not yet done their worst. But Greene believes it is only a matter of time until we do.

5. The Wednesday Wars - Gary D. Schmidt

A lovely story; the Shakespeare analysis is very compelling. There are a few gimmicks in style that get very repetitive ("let me tell you" in particular) but the plot is very enjoyable and the characters endearing. Bonus points for the inspiring teacher NOT turning out to be a bland saint-like mentor nor a "look at all my flaws" character, but very human.

6. God's Smuggler - Elizabeth and John Sherill

This came highly recommended by one of my heroes, but wasn't as good as I hoped. It made the Iron Curtain sound quite tame. Or at least, didn't show him taking many personal risks there. It was still a very interesting account of discernment and following the will of God.

7. The Lamb's Supper- Scott Hahn

I listened to this in one day (admittedly one day when I had a lot of time to listen, travelling to London and back on my own, but still!). There are too many insights to write down, it was fascinating. It was an excellent way to focus on what really is happening during the Mass and how the war really is fought - in personal relationships. The idea that revenge is only complete in the culprit's change of heart really stayed with me.

8. The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigg

Many insights and fun stories on how habits can be/are used. The author sets rather too much store by his own theories, but the last chapter concentrating on a "changing habits how-to" is very practical and useful.

9. The Little World of Don Camillo - Giovanni Guareschi

This was made into a French film some decades ago and I remember it with delight from my childhood. The book turned out to be just as delightful. Funny and tender. I can't wait to read it aloud to the children (and show them the film, obviously). I was surprised to find some gun violence which wasn't in the film, but it made it even better, adding just the right amount of depth to an otherwise very light-hearted story.

10. A Charlotte Mason Education - Catherine Levison

Slightly disappointing. A whistle-stop tour of the main principles of Charlotte Mason's education theory arranged by topics, but it could really do with offering more practical ideas. Plus, why exactly the author is meant to be an expert when she had only been doing it for a year when she wrote the book leaves one flummoxed.

11. Letters from Father Christmas - JRR Tolkien

Very sweet and inventive. It makes me wonder whether we should put more effort into the whole Santa Claus thing for the kids (at the moment, we merely say that he is Saint Nicholas and leaves chocolate coins in shoes on December 6 but are somewhat inconsistent on the other stuff). The antics of the goblins and other characters hint at a detailed vision which I wish JRR had put on paper somewhere.

12. Hillbilly Elegy - JD Vance

An absolutely fascinating insight into the white poor in America, who have, I suspect, a lot in common with their British counterparts. Replace "hillbilly" by "pikey" and I reckon the problems will be very similar. Interestingly, he does not advocate for sweeping government intervention - beyond avoiding "poor enclaves" and taking the extended family into account in the child protection system - but rather encourages a culture change by wanting the hillbillies to take a hard look at themselves. His reflections on the importance of a stable family life sounded very much on point to me. Worth the hype.

13. Gérard - Mathieu Sapin

The drawings were not what I typically like in BD, but oddly suited to Depardieu's character. It makes you wonder whether his incredible ability to inhabit the characters he plays comes from being so larger than life himself. Or whether art and life have become so intertwined in him that there is no good line to draw between the man and the actor. Fun read, but sad too.

14. Being Mortal - Atul Gawande

Another book well worth the hype. Instructive but also inviting you to reflect on your own life and choices. A lot of what he talks about made me marvel at what a wonderful thing Maminou did for Papinou. There is an odd advocacy for euthanasia right at the end which goes against almost the entire book (my tin-hat self wonders whether the publisher asked to have it added in so an not to alienate any potential readers), but this is small matter compared to the attention he draws to end-of-life care and the other options beyond "acharnement thérapeutique" (a hard-to-translate French expression to describe the extraordinary and invasive types of medical interventions one will be pushed into in the face of terminal illness).
I have been forcing this book on everyone I meet.

This is about half of them.
The second part is here if you want more of my impressions on books. In the meantime, go well and read, reader!